A New Year

A new year, a new layout, a new challenge?

It has been a couple of months since we all said good-bye to 2009 and I am just stopping for a moment to catch my breath and reflect upon the year that has passed and all there is to look forward to in the year ahead.

A year ago today (a year exactly. this was not planned I am no where near that organised) I started last year's personal challenge which was the "Year of Jessie". So did I succeed? That is a tough one. I did make a conscious effort to stick with the Year of Jessie plan, really I did. I saw out my 365 photography challenge to the end and am loving the results. It forced me to shoot everyday and to learn to look at my own photos without criticizing every part of my self (well most of the time anyway) and my work. I did continue to lose weight and get healthy this year while managing to except that I wasn't a contestant on Biggest Loser and any loss was a good loss. I spent time with friends and having fun - sometimes a little bit too much fun (ahem, Emma and Rob's housewarming).

So where did I drop the ball? I was going to stop thinking the grass is greener some place else. This has apparently been challenging. Once again we have returned home from a trip to Perth more confused than ever on where we should be and what is the best choice for us and our family. I am constantly struggling with myself at the moment as to whether or not the pull to move back to Perth is one of a practical and strategic nature or, if once again is a case of things aren't perfect here so they must be better there. I fear it is the latter of the two.

The key factor of the year of Jessie was to hate less. I believe my words were to keep my prickles but avoid becoming thorny. Out of all the goals I set myself for last year this was the one that I kept close everyday. It is a hard one to know if you really succeeded on or not but looking back now I think I did alright. Is there room for improvement? Of course! But I definitely gave people the benefit of the doubt a bit more and realized (often due to watching myself make mistakes) that no one is perfect and that is okay.

So what does this mean for this year? Keep on keeping on I would say. With the following goals in mind:

• Stress less - anyone who knows me knows that I stress at an unhealthy level. Must stop that! 
• Quality time - tying in with stressing less, I want to spend more quality time with those I care about this year. I want to use that time to do memory making activities instead of just going through the motions.
• Write more - that "novel" sitting in my laptop is not going to write itself. Since I have wanted to write a novel for as long as I can remember I need to make it a priority to sit down and type it out. Take the challenge and not get scared when it is hard. 
• Give more thought to my photography. I gave a lot of time last year to my 365. Taking a photo everyday was awesome and really did get me shooting more. But often the shots were rushed and I just got what I could. I want to take more time this year to plan out shots. Get an idea and follow it through. Take the time to play with certain shots and ideas until they become something I can be proud of. 
• Love better - I often take the people that are closest to me for granted and don't show them the love that they really deserve. This will change. 
• Make the best with what I have. Stop looking for the next best thing and realize that with a few tweaks, what I have could be paradise. 

So here we go - another year, another personal challenge. Let the "Year of Quality" begin.

Going in with eyes wide open

365 Outtakes – March

Music - “That Beep” – Architecture in Helsinki

Simplify

I seem to be going through a phase lately where I just want to simplify and organise. Maybe it is just the season or maybe just a new road I am travelling but I feel as things are a bit cluttered in many aspects of my life. I also seem to have let things get into a bit of a cycle without really thinking about whether or not they are the right options for me.

Am I paying to much on many of my services? Is there something out there that would be a better price and give better service? Do I really need to follow this many flickr profiles and bloggers so I barely get a change to view the people I actually care about’s pages? Am I making my life more complicated then it needs to be?

I have been feeling a bit like this for awhile but I think what threw me into actually doing it was this test I did. SCWink had suggested doing this quick “life assessment” program – Clean Sweep - where you answer a series of true and false statements divided into the 4 major life areas of Physical Environment, Well-Being, Money & Relationships. The basic idea is that you check off the statements that are currently true for you, then go to work on the ones that aren't currently true for you, and come back regularly to re-assess until you get a 100 score, or a "clean sweep."

I am generally a glass half empty kind of person who continually worries about what is going to happen in the future and if I am making the right decisions. So when my results came back as mid range on every area I was surprised. It made me think that maybe I am a little overly critical of my life.

My currently results were -

Physical – 14/25
Well Being – 12/25
Money – 14/25
Relationships – 14/25

The questions have inspired me to look at my life and change things that just aren’t working. So that is what I am doing. Starting with the small stuff.

I suggest giving the program a go. It only takes about 10 minutes and who knows what you might find.

Jill of All Trades, Master of None

I have been in a bit of a whirlwind of a daze recently. I feel as if I blinked and all of a sudden in was mid-August. I have not felt very creative as of late which could be the reason for my lack of blog posts. It also could be the high standards I place upon myself which in turn when I don't meet said standard I feel the overwhelming urge to give up.

Lately I feel don't feel particularly great at anything. I know I am good at quite a few things but not amazing at even just one. I was speaking with a colleague at work the other day and she was showing me this woman who had done youtube videos about how to apply makeup and now Sephora has given her her own makeup line. You could do something like this she said.

This is something I think about daily. I would love to be one of those people who fall into fortune (or at the very least ongoing paychecks) by just doing something they love and are good at. You just have to find your "thing" my colleague said to me. Oh is that all!

In the new world of blogging and twittering and youtube, how does one make themselves stand out from the crowd. I love to write and do photography but I can name hundreds of others who are already doing it and talents far surpass mine.

So what is a Jill of all trades, master at none to do to find that "thing" to stand out?

Daddy's Girl

Last Sunday was Father's Day. I spent the afternoon with my Dad and then went out for a yummy meal with him, my Mom and Lindsay at Raga.

I am happy to say that this actually wasn't that out of the ordinary for us. I am lucky as I am really close with my Dad and tend to see him at least 2-3 times a week. And isn't that how it should be?

Thank you Dad for being great, funny, a fabulous hairdresser, making me laugh and most of all for being the best Dad a daughter could have! I love you Daddy! :)

Fighting is never the answer.....unless...

Friday night Sneaky Sound System was playing at Celebrities. They are one of my favourite bands and I was so excited all day for the show. We headed downtown at around 7pm and had a great dinner at Moxie's on Davie. Doors opened at 9pm and we were lined up there on the dot. I figured that with doors at 9pm Sneaky would probably come on around 10 or 11. I was wrong, oh so wrong....

By 12:30 there was still no sign of them. Sarah and Don had given up and gone home and after that many hours of the same techno song playing over and over Lindsay, Mom and I were near breaking point as well. Celebrities was over crowded and due to the time of night everyone was drunk and drugged out by this point.

1am rolled around and finally Sneaky Sound System entered the room. I say entered the room and not took the stage because that pitiful platform they had them on could not be considered a stage. The sound was pretty bad but we were ridiculously close so all was good. Until it wasn't...

Mom and I were standing there enjoying the show when all of a sudden we were doused in liquid. I look across onto the dance floor and saw these idiots pouring water everywhere out of their water bottles. I yelled at them to stop it and they came at us. Saying that they were going to f*ck us up and trying to get over the bar we were behind. I said to just relax but they were set off. As they started to get closer to Mom and I that is when Lindsay stepped in and told them to fuck off. When they kept coming forward Lindsay threw a punch at them but I held him back thinking at this point we could still simmer it all down.

They turned their attentions to Lindsay and started to make cutting gestures across their necks and saying how they were going to kill him. Lindsay was of course trying to get to them as well and Mom and I were just trying to diffuse the situation. Mom and I kept saying to them that they didn't want to do this and just relax. That is when they made their way up the stairs and over to where we were standing. Mom and I were standing between Lindsay and them trying to keep it calm and that is when they started going at us. We of course had to step away and then it was on. Lindsay threw a punch at the first guy and connected. I turned to Mom in time to see her pick up a bottle. I took it from her and told her to go and get security.

The rest I only remember in bits and pieces as it was all a bit of a fast moving blur. I remember seeing Lindsay fighting with the two guys as it pushed back towards the bar. His fists were everywhere and he was kicking new guys away. I turned around for a minute and by the time I looked back Lindsay had his back to the bar with two guys on the floor, two guys in a head locks (one in each arm) and one guy still going at him. At some point in all of this Lindsay got hit in the head with a bottle. I started approaching guys around the club asking them for help, hoping they would pull the guys off Lindsay but I was ignored. When I turned back to the fight I saw a new guy pulling at Lindsay. I went at him thinking he was helping the other guys but he explained that he was trying to help Lindsay. It turned out that by this point they were close to getting Lindsay to the ground and this guy was trying to help Lindsay get up.

This is when security finally showed up. They escorted all of us out of the club, Lindsay going peacefully and the other guys kicking and screaming. As we walked out of the club I caught a glimpse of one of the guys Lindsay had been fighting. His face reminded me of the son in that Cher movie the mask. He had lumps all over it and it was purple, blue and red. We explained what had happened to the bouncer and he said that he was fine for us to go back in should we want to. As hard as it was to leave the concert, Lindsay's shirt was ripped off, he and Mom were both covered in blood and the guys, which were now around 10 people, were still yelling how they want to kill us. We felt it was best to go home.

We were lucky. The whole night could have gone a lot worse. Lindsay's head was sore from where he got knocked with the bottle and Mom's neck, shoulder and arms are sore from when one of the guys punched and attacked her. But we are alive.....

....and I even manage to get all the blood out of our clothes.

Going for Gold

Saturday was Lindsay's tournament. Is was good be back in the martial arts world again. It was a fun, though long, day and both Lindsay and Randy both went home with the gold.

I had a lot of trouble shooting in the gym, more then I expected. Next time I will have to rent a flash or something. Still managed to get a few good shots and Mom managed to get Lindsay's fights on video.

I am so proud of Lindsay!!

Links to Lindsay's fight videos:

Fight #1 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e-CZZji-hrY&feature=channel

Fight #2 Gold Medal Match http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N7LWfPgud9Q&feature=channel

Happy Birthday Me!

Saturday night we went out and celebrated my birthday with dinner at The Old Spaghetti Factory and drink at The Lamplighter and Metropole. It was a great night with lots of laughs. Luckily I wasn't too hung over the next day :)

Today is my 26th birthday. I have to say that so far it feels no different then 25. Though I do feel that 26 sounds far too grown up for how I feel (and act). This birthday has made me realise though how many amazing and caring friends I have here. I am one of those people who will often feel that life is greener on the other side. This becomes a larger issue with having the option of two beautiful places that I could live. This birthday made me see that sometimes things can be just as green where you are.

So thank you to everyone that has made this birthday a special one!

Truth, Lies and Reality

I am someone who likes to know all the facts. I don't like secrets, well that isn't quite correct. I don't like half information. Don't tell me something and then not give me all the information. It makes me obsessive and ridiculous. But I am getting off topic...

Truth is a funny thing. Everyone says that they want the truth. We all know lies are bad and breed other lies and then all of a sudden you are caught in a web of deception and there is no way out. So we pursue the truth and then when we have it, what then?

I spend all this time convinced if I know the truth it will make it all better. I will have all the facts and be able to sit down logically and move forward. Then I get the truth and it hurts more then the not knowing. Nothing is clearer...I don't want to go back to before the truth but I don't like it here either.

Truth hurts. It is important and probably for the best but it hurts. Lies hurt. If you keep up the lie they hurt the liar, if you eventually tell the truth it hurts the person you lied to. So that takes us to reality. Whether you live in the truth or the lie it becomes your reality. You can't escape it.

Reality bites.

Jesus, a new flat and a pretentious deer.

Last Thursday Emma and Rob had a party at their flat to celebrate Emma moving in, to catch up and oh and something to do with Jesus. It is the most beautiful flat I have seen in a long time and I may have to leave Lindsay and kill Emma so I can have Rob and his flat all to myself. :)

It was all a very lovely evening filled with laughter, dancing and of course serious discussions about world politics until the evil Polish vodka. Now of course it says on the bottle that it is just regular old vodka and that the long stem of grass is purely for decorative purposes. I personally feel that this "grass" may actually be the hair of Satan. Needless to say after a few too many cocktails and two to three shots of Satan's vodka I was legless. Literally. One minute I was getting up from the couch and making my way across the living room and the next I was on the floor. No tripping or slipping just up then down. The lovely Kalen picked me up off the floor and got me to Sarah.

I spent the next couple of hours admiring the craftsmanship of Rob and Emma's Bemis toilet. I have to say to the people of Bemis, love your work, however though the push in toilet flush may seem very stylish and sleek but it can be a bit of a pain to a drunken woman trying to hold on to the shred of dignity she has remaining. Of course Sarah was wonderful and went above and beyond best friend duties that night. She is the Lilly Allen to my Lindsay Lohan. Sarah did not however get along quite as well with the porcelain deer on Emma's bathroom sink. She announced that the deer was judging her and then promptly removed it's head. I cannot comment on the deer and it's alleged judging as I was too busy trying to stay alive.

Moments before I fell down for no reason

After slamming down water and triskets while taking advice from Sarah on the best ways to "remove" everything from my stomach and Emma pounding my back and offering crispers (among other things) Sarah managed to crawl me to the spare bedroom. I slept it off a bit and then managed to walk back out into the now just as messy as I had been party. All around an excellent evening...watch for future tabloid articles announcing my admittance to a Malibu rehab facility.

Piece of my Heart

A lot of people can say it but not many can feel it along with you. When your heart is bleeding and you can't take it anymore a little bit of Janis Joplin can make you feel like you aren't alone.

So pour yourself some Southern Comfort, turn up the volume and let your heart bleed with Janis.

Piece of My Heart

(Come on…)

Didn't I make you feel like you were the only man, well yeah,

An' didn't I give you nearly everything that a woman possibly can ?

Honey, you know I did!

And each time I tell myself that I, well I think I've had enough,

But I'm gonna show you, baby, that a woman can be tough.

I want you to come on, come on, come on, come on and take it,

Take another little piece of my heart now, baby, (break a..)

Break another little bit of my heart now, darling, yeah. (have a..)

Hey! Have another little piece of my heart now, baby, yeah.

You know you got it if it makes you feel good,

Oh yes indeed.

You're out on the streets looking good, and baby,

Deep down in your heart I guess you know that it ain't right,

Never never never never never never never hear me when I cry at night.

Baby, I cry all the time!

And each time I tell myself that I, well I can't stand the pain,

But when you hold me in your arms, I'll sing it once again.

I'll say come on, come on, come on, come on, yeah take it!

Take another little piece of my heart now, baby. (break a..)

Break another little bit of my heart now, darling, yeah, (come on…)

Have another little piece of my heart now, baby, yeah.

Well, You know you got it, child, if it makes you feel good

I need you to come on, come on, come on, come on and take it,

Take another little piece of my heart now, baby. (break a…)

Break another little bit of my heart, darling, yeah. (have a)

Have another little piece of my heart now, baby,

You know you got it (waaaaahhh)

Take a…Take another little piece of my heart now, baby. (break a…)

Break another little bit of my heart, and darling, yeah yeah (have a)

Have another little piece of my heart now, baby,

You know you got it, child, if it makes you feel good

Because It's Ladies Night

I generally am not one for "girls" or "guys" nights. I always feel that it shouldn't matter what sex you are if you want to go out and have fun lets go. I did however break my own rules (big shock there :)) and organised a Ladies Night on Saturday night. Anyone who knows me knows that I tend to be more of a guy's girl and I haven't really had a set of close girlfriends since high school. This does not however mean that I don't know amazing women. So the thought crossed my mind, why don't I ever get all my amazing female friends in the same place? Well I wish I had done it sooner.

We went out for dinner and drinks at Chill Winston in Gastown. We had an absolute blast and some of us may have had a bit too much to drink (namely me!) leading to silliness, crazy photos and a couple of D & Ms in the co-ed bathroom. One with some guy named Justin who according to Sarah had the best jacket ever (she told him every couple of minutes). Even though I ended the night making friends with the bathroom floor (luckily this waited until I got home) it was the most fun I have had in a long time.

It made me realise how lucky I was to have such amazing, strong and fabulous women around me!! Thanks to all of you that came out. There will for sure be a sequel to this night!

These should be taken away before we go out!!

Leading Ladies?

I was reminded this afternoon while watching the trailer for Merry Gentlemen of some of the roles in movies which I loved as a young girl/teen. Merry Gentlemen stars Kelly MacDonald who I first saw in back in 1996 in Trainspotting. I was 13 at the time and my Dad took me to see the movie. The scene where Renton first meets Diane hooked me. I thought she was the coolest thing I had ever seen. Watching it now, I don't disagree.

The epitome of how I wanted to be - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zf3ByUMFMlc

So I was thinking who else did I want to be like back then. Who inspired me to be what I am. I am not sure that I idolised the "right" type of women. Maybe this was because of the type or genre of movies that were released during that period. It was a time of teen movies and the Spice Girls. Baby tees and platforms. Looking at it now most of them were overtly sexual, some of them crazy, some of them bitchy, all of them independent. Despite it being the time of Girl Power I wouldn't call any of these women a good feminist role model but they were hot, sexy, witty and uber cool.

Among the list - Angelina Jolie, Hackers; Julia Stiles, 10 Things I Hate About You; Rose McGowan, Jawbreaker; Drew Barrymore, Bad Girls

So the question comes up - if these are the women that inspired me while I was a teenager, which in turn led me to make decisions which lead me to who I have become as an adult, am I the bitchy, crazy, quick talking, sarcastic, overtly sexual, independent but still somewhat lovable girl that I longed to be then?

I will leave that up to you to decide.

Rebuilding my Wall

I had a wall around me
It was tall and solid and safe
It made me strong
When I was weak

But you came in and
Broke it down
One brick at a time
Leaving me open and exposed

Then as the last brick began to fall
You hit me hard
Knocking me like I haven’t felt
In so very long

So now I stand
Exposed, aching
Picking up the bricks
As I rebuild my wall

Neglect & Music

I have very much been neglecting my blog as of late. I keep getting great ideas of things I want to write about but I am usually driving at the time and then by the time I get to my computer I have forgotten what I was going to say or get sucked into my flickr vortex! So back in the saddle I go.

We had beautiful sunny weather for a whole week last week! This may not seem all that important to my readers in Australia but for Vancouver that is a miracle run in February! I love the rain and generally am happier when it is bucketing down but this time I was loving the sun. All I wanted to do was get in my car, put on the music and drive in the sunshine!

Lately it is like I can't get enough music! I have to have it on at all times. I have always been more of a movie/tv girl so this has surprised me a bit. Through my life, especially when I was a teen, I used music like therapy. Whatever I am feeling I work it out through music. Note to people who are around me on a daily basis - please do not start over analysing my playlist, sometimes I just like a song.

I don't know if my new music obsession is based on me needing to work through issues or feelings or the fact that lately I have been feeling like I am 17 again. Or maybe I have just changed....either way I am going to enjoy it while it lasts.

Songs I currently can't get enough of:

Love Game - Lady Gaga
That Beep - Architecture In Helsinki
Fear - Lilly Allen
Brother - Little Birdy
Foolish Games - Jewel
Joydrop - Sometimes Wanna Die
Ruby - Kaiser Chiefs
Beautiful, Dirty, Rich - Lady Gaga (this one grows on you)
Mr. Brightside - The Killers
Sex on Fire - Kings of Leon
Live Without - The Panics
Calypso - Spiderbait

Year of Jessie

So as my office desk neighbour Marc has heard more then he probably wants to, this is "the year of Jessie". Now before you think I am the most self involved person on the planet let me explain.
It all started when we were in Australia and Lindsay was talking about how this year was going to be his year. To focus on himself and his training and give his dreams a go. It made me think about a year where you focus on bettering yourself. Phase two came when Lindsay mentioned that I have a habit of not always treating people the best, especially in the way I speak to them. I also have a habit of hating. Finding the negative in people, places and things. I decided to change that and so became the year of Jessie.

This year I will try and become a more positive happy person. I will be content in what I have without losing the drive to achieve what I want from the future. This does mean however that I need to change how I live in order to find the contentment I crave. I am doing my 365 photography challenge to push me to shoot everyday and make time for things I love. I will get healthy without putting ridiculous amounts of pressure on myself to lose weight at the pace of a Biggest Loser contestant. I will stop thinking the grass is greener some place else and realise that my grass ain't so bad after all.

I want to give more time to old friends and try harder to make new ones. I realised that I was so happy when I was in Australia because we were out doing things and seeing people. It is hard to make friends as an adult but I need to learn to make more of an effort and not always wait for people to come to me.

I promised Lindsay that I would hate less this year. It is a challenge, one that sometimes I want to just give up on. I will never be happy-go-lucky, nor do I want to be. It isn't that I want to lose my prickles, that is part of who I am, but I do need to avoid becoming thorny!

Striving to find rainbows in storm clouds

Listed

Just after Christmas Ms Shannon tagged me in a list. Of course I didn't know this. One day I was perusing the blogs Beat follows, looking for something new and different and stumbled upon Shan's Smiles & Winks and BANG!! There I was. After being all flattered that she even knew I had a blog I thought oh no! now I have to step up to the challenge. So here it is.

The rules are,
Link to your tagger and list these rules on your blog. (see above)
Share 7 facts about yourself on your blog - some random, some weird (see below)
Tag 7 people at the end of your post by leaving their names as well as links to their blog. (This is going to be hard as I only know a couple of bloggers and most of them have already done this). Let them know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

[7 things about Shutter Pixie]

1. I can't ride a bicycle. Not even a little bit. I had training wheels once but never got to the wind in your hair flying down the seawall bit. Some people have told me that it should be easier to learn now that I am older and have a better sense of balance. It is not. I have tried it. It ended in tears.


2. I have irrational childlike fears about "things" (i.e. monsters, creatures, ghosts and psycho killers). I can't hang my feet off the bed because something might grab them, same goes for my arm, hand or fingers being over the mattress when I am in bed. I run full speed down hallways when I am alone and have to look behind me all the time because I swear I can hear people behind me.


3. I love little toys, nic nacs, ornaments. This includes funky/odd dolls, finger puppets and vinyl toys from Japan.


4. When I was a child I wanted to be black. I wanted dread locks and to be from New York. I preferred all my dolls to be black. I blame the Cosby show for this.


5. I love needlepoint. You know, yarn, needle, canvas. I only like the ones with the patterns on them because counting stitches is too much like math, which I am ridiculously bad at.


6. Most of my best friends are also members of my family. I guess they are usually the only ones who really get me.


7. I believe that inanimate objects may have feelings and therefore always worry that I am hurting them. I have a hard time ever saying that I don't like an object in my home like my couch. Anything with a face is worse like dolls or stuffed toys. I feel bad when I pick one and leave the rest on the shelf. This also leads to not wanting to get rid of anything.

7 bloggers (ummm, 3 bloggers, I really have to expand my blogger circle of friends):
djbeat - for starting it all
Smiles & Winks - for tagging me
Sarah - because maybe this will make her finally write in her blog

The Beginning

I feel like I have been on a journey lately. It began as a weight loss journey. I wanted to lose weight and feel better about myself again. I have noticed though that as I have worked on my external self it is like my internal self has begun to cry out for attention. I feel the need to become more creative and express myself.

So here we are, blogging. Never saw myself as much of a blogger and honestly this may prove that I really am not one but I feel I should give it a go. At least attempt to be as talented as all the people I admire...not mentioning any names....djbeat!!!

So stick with me and let's see where we can go. Remember...Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.