A New Year

A new year, a new layout, a new challenge?

It has been a couple of months since we all said good-bye to 2009 and I am just stopping for a moment to catch my breath and reflect upon the year that has passed and all there is to look forward to in the year ahead.

A year ago today (a year exactly. this was not planned I am no where near that organised) I started last year's personal challenge which was the "Year of Jessie". So did I succeed? That is a tough one. I did make a conscious effort to stick with the Year of Jessie plan, really I did. I saw out my 365 photography challenge to the end and am loving the results. It forced me to shoot everyday and to learn to look at my own photos without criticizing every part of my self (well most of the time anyway) and my work. I did continue to lose weight and get healthy this year while managing to except that I wasn't a contestant on Biggest Loser and any loss was a good loss. I spent time with friends and having fun - sometimes a little bit too much fun (ahem, Emma and Rob's housewarming).

So where did I drop the ball? I was going to stop thinking the grass is greener some place else. This has apparently been challenging. Once again we have returned home from a trip to Perth more confused than ever on where we should be and what is the best choice for us and our family. I am constantly struggling with myself at the moment as to whether or not the pull to move back to Perth is one of a practical and strategic nature or, if once again is a case of things aren't perfect here so they must be better there. I fear it is the latter of the two.

The key factor of the year of Jessie was to hate less. I believe my words were to keep my prickles but avoid becoming thorny. Out of all the goals I set myself for last year this was the one that I kept close everyday. It is a hard one to know if you really succeeded on or not but looking back now I think I did alright. Is there room for improvement? Of course! But I definitely gave people the benefit of the doubt a bit more and realized (often due to watching myself make mistakes) that no one is perfect and that is okay.

So what does this mean for this year? Keep on keeping on I would say. With the following goals in mind:

• Stress less - anyone who knows me knows that I stress at an unhealthy level. Must stop that! 
• Quality time - tying in with stressing less, I want to spend more quality time with those I care about this year. I want to use that time to do memory making activities instead of just going through the motions.
• Write more - that "novel" sitting in my laptop is not going to write itself. Since I have wanted to write a novel for as long as I can remember I need to make it a priority to sit down and type it out. Take the challenge and not get scared when it is hard. 
• Give more thought to my photography. I gave a lot of time last year to my 365. Taking a photo everyday was awesome and really did get me shooting more. But often the shots were rushed and I just got what I could. I want to take more time this year to plan out shots. Get an idea and follow it through. Take the time to play with certain shots and ideas until they become something I can be proud of. 
• Love better - I often take the people that are closest to me for granted and don't show them the love that they really deserve. This will change. 
• Make the best with what I have. Stop looking for the next best thing and realize that with a few tweaks, what I have could be paradise. 

So here we go - another year, another personal challenge. Let the "Year of Quality" begin.

Going in with eyes wide open

365 Outtakes – March

Music - “That Beep” – Architecture in Helsinki

Jill of All Trades, Master of None

I have been in a bit of a whirlwind of a daze recently. I feel as if I blinked and all of a sudden in was mid-August. I have not felt very creative as of late which could be the reason for my lack of blog posts. It also could be the high standards I place upon myself which in turn when I don't meet said standard I feel the overwhelming urge to give up.

Lately I feel don't feel particularly great at anything. I know I am good at quite a few things but not amazing at even just one. I was speaking with a colleague at work the other day and she was showing me this woman who had done youtube videos about how to apply makeup and now Sephora has given her her own makeup line. You could do something like this she said.

This is something I think about daily. I would love to be one of those people who fall into fortune (or at the very least ongoing paychecks) by just doing something they love and are good at. You just have to find your "thing" my colleague said to me. Oh is that all!

In the new world of blogging and twittering and youtube, how does one make themselves stand out from the crowd. I love to write and do photography but I can name hundreds of others who are already doing it and talents far surpass mine.

So what is a Jill of all trades, master at none to do to find that "thing" to stand out?

Happy Birthday Me!

Saturday night we went out and celebrated my birthday with dinner at The Old Spaghetti Factory and drink at The Lamplighter and Metropole. It was a great night with lots of laughs. Luckily I wasn't too hung over the next day :)

Today is my 26th birthday. I have to say that so far it feels no different then 25. Though I do feel that 26 sounds far too grown up for how I feel (and act). This birthday has made me realise though how many amazing and caring friends I have here. I am one of those people who will often feel that life is greener on the other side. This becomes a larger issue with having the option of two beautiful places that I could live. This birthday made me see that sometimes things can be just as green where you are.

So thank you to everyone that has made this birthday a special one!

Truth, Lies and Reality

I am someone who likes to know all the facts. I don't like secrets, well that isn't quite correct. I don't like half information. Don't tell me something and then not give me all the information. It makes me obsessive and ridiculous. But I am getting off topic...

Truth is a funny thing. Everyone says that they want the truth. We all know lies are bad and breed other lies and then all of a sudden you are caught in a web of deception and there is no way out. So we pursue the truth and then when we have it, what then?

I spend all this time convinced if I know the truth it will make it all better. I will have all the facts and be able to sit down logically and move forward. Then I get the truth and it hurts more then the not knowing. Nothing is clearer...I don't want to go back to before the truth but I don't like it here either.

Truth hurts. It is important and probably for the best but it hurts. Lies hurt. If you keep up the lie they hurt the liar, if you eventually tell the truth it hurts the person you lied to. So that takes us to reality. Whether you live in the truth or the lie it becomes your reality. You can't escape it.

Reality bites.

Jesus, a new flat and a pretentious deer.

Last Thursday Emma and Rob had a party at their flat to celebrate Emma moving in, to catch up and oh and something to do with Jesus. It is the most beautiful flat I have seen in a long time and I may have to leave Lindsay and kill Emma so I can have Rob and his flat all to myself. :)

It was all a very lovely evening filled with laughter, dancing and of course serious discussions about world politics until the evil Polish vodka. Now of course it says on the bottle that it is just regular old vodka and that the long stem of grass is purely for decorative purposes. I personally feel that this "grass" may actually be the hair of Satan. Needless to say after a few too many cocktails and two to three shots of Satan's vodka I was legless. Literally. One minute I was getting up from the couch and making my way across the living room and the next I was on the floor. No tripping or slipping just up then down. The lovely Kalen picked me up off the floor and got me to Sarah.

I spent the next couple of hours admiring the craftsmanship of Rob and Emma's Bemis toilet. I have to say to the people of Bemis, love your work, however though the push in toilet flush may seem very stylish and sleek but it can be a bit of a pain to a drunken woman trying to hold on to the shred of dignity she has remaining. Of course Sarah was wonderful and went above and beyond best friend duties that night. She is the Lilly Allen to my Lindsay Lohan. Sarah did not however get along quite as well with the porcelain deer on Emma's bathroom sink. She announced that the deer was judging her and then promptly removed it's head. I cannot comment on the deer and it's alleged judging as I was too busy trying to stay alive.

Moments before I fell down for no reason

After slamming down water and triskets while taking advice from Sarah on the best ways to "remove" everything from my stomach and Emma pounding my back and offering crispers (among other things) Sarah managed to crawl me to the spare bedroom. I slept it off a bit and then managed to walk back out into the now just as messy as I had been party. All around an excellent evening...watch for future tabloid articles announcing my admittance to a Malibu rehab facility.

Piece of my Heart

A lot of people can say it but not many can feel it along with you. When your heart is bleeding and you can't take it anymore a little bit of Janis Joplin can make you feel like you aren't alone.

So pour yourself some Southern Comfort, turn up the volume and let your heart bleed with Janis.

Piece of My Heart

(Come on…)

Didn't I make you feel like you were the only man, well yeah,

An' didn't I give you nearly everything that a woman possibly can ?

Honey, you know I did!

And each time I tell myself that I, well I think I've had enough,

But I'm gonna show you, baby, that a woman can be tough.

I want you to come on, come on, come on, come on and take it,

Take another little piece of my heart now, baby, (break a..)

Break another little bit of my heart now, darling, yeah. (have a..)

Hey! Have another little piece of my heart now, baby, yeah.

You know you got it if it makes you feel good,

Oh yes indeed.

You're out on the streets looking good, and baby,

Deep down in your heart I guess you know that it ain't right,

Never never never never never never never hear me when I cry at night.

Baby, I cry all the time!

And each time I tell myself that I, well I can't stand the pain,

But when you hold me in your arms, I'll sing it once again.

I'll say come on, come on, come on, come on, yeah take it!

Take another little piece of my heart now, baby. (break a..)

Break another little bit of my heart now, darling, yeah, (come on…)

Have another little piece of my heart now, baby, yeah.

Well, You know you got it, child, if it makes you feel good

I need you to come on, come on, come on, come on and take it,

Take another little piece of my heart now, baby. (break a…)

Break another little bit of my heart, darling, yeah. (have a)

Have another little piece of my heart now, baby,

You know you got it (waaaaahhh)

Take a…Take another little piece of my heart now, baby. (break a…)

Break another little bit of my heart, and darling, yeah yeah (have a)

Have another little piece of my heart now, baby,

You know you got it, child, if it makes you feel good

365 Month Three

I have completed my third month of 365. 90 photos done, 275 to go (and yes for all that know me I did have to use a calculator for that). I was on a bit of an emotional roller coaster this month and it definitely shows in the shots. It is becoming harder and harder by the day to find something new to do. I am also tiring of the sight of myself. I have never been one to shy away from cameras (ever) and honestly I love having my photo taken. I thought that this challenge would make me love myself more and help me see things I didn't before. That is what a lot of people seem to get out of it. I find though recently I am just judging myself more. That I am beginning to hate my smile and just feel like I couldn't take a great photo if I tried. Of course this could be all part of the process and next month I will be raving about how fabulous it all was.

I want to try and put more into my shots. I am looking forward to the warm weather coming and with it being lighter later so I have the option to go outside more.

As hard as it has been I really do love a lot of the shots I took this month. I would struggle to find a favourite, or even a top three. So maybe it isn't all that bad and I am just tired and cranky. Who knows?! :)

For those who have been following my 365, thanks, stick with me I am sure it can only get more interesting from here.

Rebuilding my Wall

I had a wall around me
It was tall and solid and safe
It made me strong
When I was weak

But you came in and
Broke it down
One brick at a time
Leaving me open and exposed

Then as the last brick began to fall
You hit me hard
Knocking me like I haven’t felt
In so very long

So now I stand
Exposed, aching
Picking up the bricks
As I rebuild my wall

365 - Month Two

Another month of my 365 is done. I really like the shots this month. It was definitely more of a challenge once I was home and had to mostly work with my apartment at night when I was tired. It is getting more and more challenging to think of something new every day but I also think that it pushing me to get more creative.

Two months down.....ten to go!

Neglect & Music

I have very much been neglecting my blog as of late. I keep getting great ideas of things I want to write about but I am usually driving at the time and then by the time I get to my computer I have forgotten what I was going to say or get sucked into my flickr vortex! So back in the saddle I go.

We had beautiful sunny weather for a whole week last week! This may not seem all that important to my readers in Australia but for Vancouver that is a miracle run in February! I love the rain and generally am happier when it is bucketing down but this time I was loving the sun. All I wanted to do was get in my car, put on the music and drive in the sunshine!

Lately it is like I can't get enough music! I have to have it on at all times. I have always been more of a movie/tv girl so this has surprised me a bit. Through my life, especially when I was a teen, I used music like therapy. Whatever I am feeling I work it out through music. Note to people who are around me on a daily basis - please do not start over analysing my playlist, sometimes I just like a song.

I don't know if my new music obsession is based on me needing to work through issues or feelings or the fact that lately I have been feeling like I am 17 again. Or maybe I have just changed....either way I am going to enjoy it while it lasts.

Songs I currently can't get enough of:

Love Game - Lady Gaga
That Beep - Architecture In Helsinki
Fear - Lilly Allen
Brother - Little Birdy
Foolish Games - Jewel
Joydrop - Sometimes Wanna Die
Ruby - Kaiser Chiefs
Beautiful, Dirty, Rich - Lady Gaga (this one grows on you)
Mr. Brightside - The Killers
Sex on Fire - Kings of Leon
Live Without - The Panics
Calypso - Spiderbait

Year of Jessie

So as my office desk neighbour Marc has heard more then he probably wants to, this is "the year of Jessie". Now before you think I am the most self involved person on the planet let me explain.
It all started when we were in Australia and Lindsay was talking about how this year was going to be his year. To focus on himself and his training and give his dreams a go. It made me think about a year where you focus on bettering yourself. Phase two came when Lindsay mentioned that I have a habit of not always treating people the best, especially in the way I speak to them. I also have a habit of hating. Finding the negative in people, places and things. I decided to change that and so became the year of Jessie.

This year I will try and become a more positive happy person. I will be content in what I have without losing the drive to achieve what I want from the future. This does mean however that I need to change how I live in order to find the contentment I crave. I am doing my 365 photography challenge to push me to shoot everyday and make time for things I love. I will get healthy without putting ridiculous amounts of pressure on myself to lose weight at the pace of a Biggest Loser contestant. I will stop thinking the grass is greener some place else and realise that my grass ain't so bad after all.

I want to give more time to old friends and try harder to make new ones. I realised that I was so happy when I was in Australia because we were out doing things and seeing people. It is hard to make friends as an adult but I need to learn to make more of an effort and not always wait for people to come to me.

I promised Lindsay that I would hate less this year. It is a challenge, one that sometimes I want to just give up on. I will never be happy-go-lucky, nor do I want to be. It isn't that I want to lose my prickles, that is part of who I am, but I do need to avoid becoming thorny!

Striving to find rainbows in storm clouds

The Beginning

I feel like I have been on a journey lately. It began as a weight loss journey. I wanted to lose weight and feel better about myself again. I have noticed though that as I have worked on my external self it is like my internal self has begun to cry out for attention. I feel the need to become more creative and express myself.

So here we are, blogging. Never saw myself as much of a blogger and honestly this may prove that I really am not one but I feel I should give it a go. At least attempt to be as talented as all the people I admire...not mentioning any names....djbeat!!!

So stick with me and let's see where we can go. Remember...Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.